Taste Like Victory

I startled awake at 3am this morning because I realized that I forgot to brush my teeth before I went to bed. Usually I would just dismiss it as no big deal, but with these new braces I have to make sure I’m taking proper care of my teeth and my hardware.

After brushing my teeth I wasn’t able to go back to sleep. So I started scrolling through Facebook. I’m not sure if God was trying to be intentional or if my emotions are more sensitive in the middle of the night, but it seemed that so many of the posts were speaking to my heart.

There were so many posts I wanted to share or post to my story, but I knew they wouldn’t be received well. I try my best (even though at times I slip up) to be Holy Spirit led when I post on social media. Because social media is such a weird space, it’s really easy for people to misinterpret the intent behind a post.

Right now in my life, I’m in a very uncomfortable place. Sometimes it feels like I’m one of those people on a tight rope balancing with that long pole thing trying not to fall off. I’m trying desperately to balance, to maintain and to hold it all together. Most days I find myself doing pretty well, but other days I feel like the burden is getting too heavy. It feels like at any moment I could fall and everything I’ve been balancing will come down with me.

Anyway, while scrolling there was this particular post that Sarah Jakes-Roberts posted. Pastor Sarah has a way with words that leads to deep reflection. She was speaking about how in the difficulties of life, it’s easy to lose sight of the end. When you feel like you’re drowning and you’re barely able keep your head above water, or in my case when you’re walking a tight rope with an imminent threat of falling, it’s hard to see to how you’ll survive.

In these moments we have to will ourselves to keep going. We have to continue to fight and find strength in Christ. During these times we have to rest, fall to our knees and find peace in God’s presence. When it’s painful we have to remind ourselves to go deeper in prayer. When it’s unbearable we have to cry out to the Lord. Our peace, our hope, our healing is all found in Jesus.

So in the midst of me feeling all my feelings at 3:41 in the morning. In the midst of me wiping my tears and convincing myself to suck it up and keep moving. In the midst of me reminding myself that God’s has me and will ALWAYS have me, something that my daughter said earlier that day while we were at lunch came to mind.

I have to give a quick background so you could fully understand. So me and my daughter had an impromptu mommy/daughter date yesterday. I don’t drive and because it was so important for me to spend my last Sunday of the year in church I caught the bus. I left my other 2 kids at home because sometimes it’s easier and less stressful on days that I have to catch the bus to just go by myself. However, my 12 year old daughter was determined to go to church as well. So after service she asked if we could go to breakfast. I low key didn’t want to go because catching the bus in a small town takes too long. It take almost an hour to get to places that would take like 10-15 minutes in a car.

However, knowing that my daughter needed time alone with me, I agreed to go to breakfast. My God!!! This whole “trying to find a place to eat” was an experience all in itself. After being on the bus for over 2 hours, getting off at the wrong stop and having to walk an additional 15 minutes, we ended up at a different restaurant then we originally planned. Praise God our food was really good. I mean good good!! Mind you, I had been to this restaurant before and the food wasn’t that good previously.

So while my daughter and I are commenting about how good the food is she says, “Mommy it’s so good because it tastes like victory”. I was a little confused and asked her to explain. She says, “because we had to go through a lot of trouble to get here, the food tastes that much better”. In the moment I chuckled because I thought what she said was cute, but sitting here at 3:52am what she said can PREACH!!! In the context of Sarah’s post about how our pain creates purpose and how through our trauma we find triumph, the shout in it all is that after we’ve endured. After we’ve gone through and made it to the other side, the victory will taste that much sweeter.

I often pray and question why can’t my life just be smooth sailing? Why can’t I live the life that I pray for and imagine in my head? Why do I always have to go through stuff that doesn’t kill me, but make me stronger? Then I’m reminded of my purpose. I look back over my life and have tangible evidence of God using all of the hard times in my life to humble me, mature me and propel me forward. My trauma didn’t pull me away from Him, but make me go deeper in Him.

Even as I’m writing this, right now in this moment at 4:01am, I STILL desire smooth sailing. I STILL desire all my ducks to be in a row for once. However, even if that never happens I thank God for keeping my mind in the midst of it all. Like I’m thankful that while war is raging in one area of my life, God is giving me sunshine in other areas of my life. I thank God that while I persistently have storm clouds threatening to rain on my parade, that He continues to allow the parade to go on.

I remember my late Pastor when he was battling cancer, he would start his sermons weak and tired, but the more he preached the stronger he felt. That’s how I’m feeling right now. When I first opened Facebook at 3:00am, every single post I read, while encouraging also touch a sensitive area in my life that caused a little ache. But as I started writing, the more I was able to process my feelings, and the more I thought about God keeping me through it all, the better I started to feel. It’s now 4:12am and my thoughts are finally silenced enough to sleep. Come what may, I know for a fact that God’s got me!!

In my Spirit I hear words of the song, “When I look to the hill, for which cometh my help. All of my help cometh, cometh from the Lord“.

Whatever you are facing right now, God has you!! I know it’s painful. I know you might cry. I know at times it feel like you will never get through it. I know it feels like a never ending cycle, but keep your eyes focused on God. He got you!! You shall live and not die!!! Your victory is on the way, and when you attain it, it will taste that much sweeter.